Hey everyone, I want to apologize for my long absence from writing. When I launched this blog during Trans Awareness Week I had set a very ambitious goal to write every day for 9 or 10 days straight. That goal, combined with working a full time job and adding 10 hours of commuting each week really caught up to me and I got a bit burned out. I began to focus more of my writing on my Instagram account as those posts were more short form and easier to bang out before I went to bed, and I was really beginning to see the impact of connecting with so many other people.
Around the time I got burned out from writing these blog posts I was about to go through one of the most moving and significant experiences of my lifetime (during October/November 2018). More below –
For some backstory, I had never really experienced too much genital dysphoria in the past. It was always just “there” and I kinda dealt with it. My dysphoria manifested itself in countless other forms but I would say that, luckily, I was never or rarely debilitated from having the wrong parts. With that being said, prior to last November, I was still undecided on having the surgery. If I could have processed the crushing fear over the sheer magnitude of that surgical procedure then I think I would have signed up for a new vagina in a heartbeat. But the severity of this procedure and the risk that something could go wrong prevented me from being able to commit to getting it done. This perspective, along with my reservations, all changed in one night just a few months ago.
At the time, I had recently connected on OK Cupid with a new trans friend, Brittney (name changed to keep her privacy). Britt and I were going to meet up at her place then maybe order some food and hang out/get to know each other. Before meeting in person we weren’t sure if this was going to lead down a more romantic path or if we would end up as friends, so we figured we would just meet up and take it from there. Within minutes we were easy and fast friends and we began to chat about our own lives, transitions, perspectives and experiences.
Britt had recently undergone her own SRS a few months before (in June 2018), so she was telling me all about the experience and what I could expect. She told me where she went, who her surgeon was and why she felt comfortable booking with them. I felt so lucky to have someone like that in my life, someone that understood what I was going through and could give me advice and support for something as serious and significant as this surgery.
We chatted into the night and the hours went flying by. It was late on a school night so I began to gather my things to head home for the night. As I was doing this, Britt asked me (in a very non-sexual way) if I wanted to see the results of her SRS, her new vagina. Having never seen a post-op vagina in real life before, I was all too eager to accept her offer and get a sneak peak at what could one day be my own. She lied down and proceeded to show me…
I was in awe, pure amazement. I had always previously thought that if I had gotten SRS then it still wouldn’t look real, or “normal”, or even be functional! Pictures I had seen online never really connected with me and it all looked so foreign and scary to me. Britt was able to disprove all of those fears and worries in one simple gesture. I began to get overcome with emotion as the realization that this also could one day also be my reality was absolutely earth-shattering. I then began to cry, and I wouldn’t stop for 10-15 minutes. This surgery suddenly went from being fear-laden and full of concern and insecurities to being one of the foremost things on my mind. I called the surgeon’s office the very next day and booked my consultation (which wouldn’t be for 8 months – in June 2019). Now all I had to do was wait.
A few months have passed since I had this epiphany, and I can confidently say that the wait has been extremely damaging to my psyche. I find myself struggling to stay positive and I have been distracted a lot. I think I have been doing better within this past week, but for a few months I stopped doing a lot of self care tasks like manicures/pedicures, cooking for myself, exercising, sleeping well, you name it. That all compounds on top of one another and it has made for a pretty rough few months.
But as I enter 2019, I have a renewed sense of optimism and hope and I am looking forward to being the best person I can be this year. And with any luck, I’ll finish this year out by having my surgery and being mostly “complete” with my transition before I turn 30, something I set as a goal for myself when I began this long and slow but exciting journey back when I was 27. It pays to keep your chin up; the days are passing by whether I have a good or bad attitude so I may as well enjoy every single day that is given to me, relish in how far I have come so far, and be the best woman I can be when my eventual surgery date arrives. Thank you for reading!
-Erica ❤️