This past weekend I said goodbye to the house I grew up in. It was an extremely emotional experience for me, one for which I was not fully prepared. I feel beyond lucky that my brother was able to visit from LA and that we got to say goodbye to it together. While this weekend had some sad moments, I am beyond thrilled for my mom and stepdad to move down to FL and start their life together down where they have wanted to move for some time now.
There was also an amazing moment of closure this past Saturday evening with regards to my own personal history. I was getting ready for dinner and doing my makeup at the vanity in my mom’s bedroom with her standing next to me also getting ready. It felt so..normal, and I found myself wishing it was neither the first nor the last time we would be sharing that moment together as mother and daughter in that home. And without warning I ceased being there in the present moment and I began to revisit so many different memories from my childhood; most of them wonderful that brought back feelings of happiness, but I also remembered some incredibly sad ones of being a confused child and not knowing why I felt the way that I did. Memories I previously thought I had repressed away.
I remembered crying myself to sleep at night wishing I could wake up the next day and be a girl. I remembered pulling at the skin on my chest in my bathroom hoping that if I did it for long enough or hard enough that I would develop breasts like I thought I should. I remembered being 12 sneaking into my mom’s closet/vanity and trying on clothes and makeup that for some reason I was drawn to, but I could not explain why, nor could I find the courage as a child to ever talk about how I felt. Then as quickly as it happened, I was back at her vanity and finishing my makeup for the evening.
It’s still bringing tears to my eyes thinking about where I am now and to relive where I came from, the experience was just so surreal. But I’m glad I got to relive those memories, both good and bad, and to say one last farewell to the place I called home for 20 years.
-Erica ❤️