This post is part of a series related to Transgender Awareness Week, click here to see the list of all topics I plan to cover.
Before I get into the bulk of my story I want to quickly discuss gender dysphoria. Gender dysphoria is experienced when the sex you were assigned at birth and the gender you identify as are not one in the same, and it is a cause of the internal mental anguish that transgender people experience on a daily basis. Dysphoria, combined with negative treatment by family, friends, society, etc, are the main drivers for why the suicide rate of the transgender population is ~40%.
To clarify, dysphoria is a symptom of being transgender, and it is very treatable. When allowed to transition as desired and in a supportive environment, the risk or chance of suicide drops by a staggering amount, approximately 10x (to ~3-4% – not much higher than the general population), and allows us as people to live a fulfilling life post-transition.
There are people that will cite these suicide rates and say that transgender people are “unfit” to live and that we experience a mental illness. Not only does the WHO disagree with this assessment, but as more research is conducted over the transgender population there is evidence of the contrary, that being transgender is biological in cause and in nature. As to why it happens in nature, that is still being determined. I try not to focus on the “why?”; I have wasted too much time asking myself this question when it has absolutely no bearing on how I should best move forward with my life. For more about that you can read a part of my journey below.
Those that seem the happiest are often the ones that need the most help.
There could not be a truer statement on the silent power that emotional and mental health holds over an individual. And an even truer statement on the pressures that society places on us as people to “keep it together” and appear as if nothing is wrong with us, I was certainly an example of that. Talking about personal issues as openly as I have been simply does not happen all too often, and it’s a shame, because in being vulnerable I allow myself to heal and to hopefully help to heal others going through our shared experiences.
Yesterday I discussed the importance of self-awareness (mindfulness) and the impact it had on my transition process. But even once I became aware of the fact that something in my life needed to change, I was still too terrified to admit specifically what it was that needed to change. I am the kind of person that acts promptly and decisively when I have identified an area for improvement, and in knowing that trait about myself it is exactly why I couldn’t bear the emotional weight of even admitting to myself that I was transgender. To find the strength to do that I’d have to seek professional help.
Previously, I had gone to therapy twice for gender issues (once in my teens and once at 24). I was not in a place in my life to address these issues and so I was dishonest with both myself and my therapists regarding how I felt. I shudder when I think about how much of a waste of time and energy that was. The ONLY way to get better is to be honest with yourself and those seeking to help you. Hiding from your fears does absolutely nothing in the long run, and you will only find yourself at the same roadblock asking the same questions time and time again. Finally, in March 2017, I had my first therapy appointment with the best-possible person that would ultimately guide me through this journey of self-discovery.
It’s important to seek someone out that has experience in the area of your life you wish to address (for me I simply Googled “transgender therapist Philadelphia”). You also need to connect with them, have chemistry, feel safe and be able to open up in a judgement-free space, and most importantly you need to make sure they will allow you to come to your own conclusions about your path forward.
They are NOT there to tell you what to do but more-so to act as a guide, to ask you the tough questions you may refuse to ask yourself or did not even think to ask yourself. Originally, I wanted someone to hear my story/experiences and simply tell me I was transgender, it would have taken away SO much of the pressure that comes with making such a terrifying decision on my own! But in the end, it was key that I went through this at my own pace, and in my own time.
One huge component to me being able to work through this identity crisis so effectively was my partner at the time. I was blessed to have her while going through this journey of self-discovery, but the situation undeniably added stress to the process as well. When I came out that I was questioning my gender identify she was honest with me in that she was not attracted to women at all, and if I were to transition then it would be the end of our relationship. However, she also reaffirmed that she was there to support me and didn’t want me to feel pressured to reach any conclusion.
I cannot stress enough how grateful I was to have her during this time of my life, and I am especially grateful for her mindset and her honesty that she displayed last year. Without it, I would not have been able to deal with these issues in a healthy way. I likely may have tried to further suppress them, leading to a myriad of negative consequences further down the line.
And so, after going to therapy for a few months I was able to admit that, “I am transgender.” This was the very first time I had ever said that statement out loud. People tell me constantly how brave I am and how strong I must have been to come to this conclusion, but at the time it was likely caused by the fact that at that time I was slowly losing grip on the my reality of life as a guy, and I was running out of options. I had tried to act OK for far too long and the toll on my emotional well-being was getting exponentially worse.
Admitting the root cause of my pain was a huge step in improving my mental state (in the long run), but the immediate after-effect was absolutely devastating. Knowing what impact this would have on my long-term relationship I found myself STILL fighting the inevitability that was my transition. I would have to travel even lower and feel even more miserable before I would even allow myself to consider throwing away one of the few good things in my life to risk it on the potential for future happiness. I’ll spare the details of how I got to that point, suffice to say it was the absolute worst two months of my life…but I got there.
Accepting myself as who I was born to be was only the beginning, there was so much more that had to be figured out and I needed to work on a plan to get it done. As I said before, I know myself, and once I found an area for improvement then nothing was going to get in my way. Now that I had come out to the person most-impacted by this decision, I began to plan for and organize other parts of my transition, inclusive of medical, legal, social/professional impacts, and so on. My entire life was about to change, I was finally taking control, and I needed to be ready for it.
Sign up for my mailing list if you want to stay updated! Tomorrow, I’ll focus on the Medical aspects of transitioning.